The world scares me ...

Basically just, me ...

The thing I hate most about a person is aggression and anger,

Yet my boyfriend has both those qualities :/

At times, I know it’s bad to say it, but it makes me want to not be with him, I don’t like it, I hate anger and shouting… Sure it only comes out when he’s playing a game, but still, I don’t like it.

For gods sake…

I’m in a ‘I hate you all mood! Leave me alone to be ill and do my work! 

Seriously?

WHO DOES THAT?! Have some respect for other people’s things! You don’t go into a public place and write all over stuff which belongs to THEM NOT YOU… that’s disgusting! Grow up!

I’ll keep your secrets with me, right behind my teeth…

This is my heart in writing, my thoughts and things which drive me mad, either read …or don’t, I just want to put it somewhere in hope that all the feelings below will go away soon.

So I slept alone the other night!

Not because we had a fight or anything like that but because I just genuinely could not sleep. I went to bed at 00:15, then woke up at 4 because I was cold and I literally could not get to sleep, I just kept turning and trying to sleep; but I couldn’t! So I went to our single room (right across our room) and went and slept in there, I just wanted to be able to sleep, sure I felt guilty cause I didn’t want to, but I felt I needed to. Sometimes I just need to be alone… 

But then I found that being alone made my whole ‘not being able to sleep thing’ MUCH worse. Whenever I try and sleep, my brain likes to bring up things which I’ve put away, in the back of my mind, like locked away so I never think about it cause it just makes me upset and cry; and being the nice brain mine is, it decided it wanted to let me think about it all…

I want to forget it all, everything that happened. 

I found it all out 5 days after my birthday, 1 day before our 5 month anniversary and the day we were signing papers for our house and 3 days before Valentines day. We still celebrated Valentines Day. 

I never realised how much it would affect me, it was the fact I was always so scared of trusting someone because then I knew they could hurt me, and then I starting trusting you with so much and never expected you to be the one to hurt me.

What’s worse is the fact I asked you the next day if anything happened that night, because that night you said to me ‘Because ____ (his brothers name) took the wrong phone, I had no way of getting home and ____ dropped my phone off at ____ (her name), so now I have no way of getting home, you don’t mind if I stay at _____’s house do you?’ I said no I didn’t mind, obviously because I just wanted to see you and didn’t even think that would happen because all I got from you was 'we're just friends, she knows that!

But then the next day when we were going back to University I asked if anything had happened and you said ‘No, we’re just friends, I swear on our relationship nothing happened’ Of course I believed you. It bugged me that you still used to text, because either you were too stupid and idiotic to realise she still loved you (which I knew and could tell) or you just loved the fact that she still did love you… (I don’t know which one!) So I asked why you even still spoke and you said ‘we get along, we’re friends’, yes I get that and I don’t want to seem like a bitch, but she IS your ex-girlfriend who was still in love with you, you should have stopped texting and just let her move on instead of “leading her on”.

Even worse, like 8 months into our relationship and I was looking for something in your room, and I found a picture of you and her in a frame in your room. So I asked you why you even had it and you said ‘Oh ______ made it for me when we broke up’, so I said you should throw it away, and your reply was ‘but I feel bad’, I don’t care, how would you like it if I kept a picture of my ex boyfriend and me. And then when you finally decided to throw it away, like a week later you asked me ‘can we at least keep the frame, we can use it’… I’m sorry, ARE YOU STUPID? NO! Why would I want to use the frame?!

Oh and another thing, yes you’re “friends”, that doesn’t mean you should be going ‘I hope I get to see you on the train, we may be on the same one’ to her, especially seen as it was the first time I hadn’t gone back home with you (I couldn’t afford it), I went to say bye to you at the station and waited for you to get on the train…all the while you were texting her and trying to see if you might just see her on the train. How would you feel if you didn’t like my ‘hypothetical’ ex boyfriend who I was with for a year and then I was like still texting him all the time and saying ‘I hope I get to see you…’ 

Obviously I didn’t know this was going on, I only found out ages ago. But my mom said she didn’t want me by myself so she gave me some money to come home, so I came home on the Saturday, on Friday you said ‘I wish you could come to mine for Bonfire Night because usually we get all the family round and eat food and watch the fireworks…’ I felt bad, of course I wanted to go. But then I managed to go and my family were going to the bonfire night where we live, so I went with them, meanwhile I didn’t know, she was there at your house, sure your cousin was there, but still; the fact was you should have known that was wrong! 

I know it’s bad, but I bottle things up, and all of this was going through my mind the other night when I was sleeping by myself. I hate the fact you rushed me to get over it all, the day I found out, I said I needed to be alone for a bit. Within a day you were acting as if nothing had changed or happened, that’s what I hate the most, it was like it was nothing to you. When we were getting to know each other, you said the worst thing a person could do was cheat on the other person (seen as your ex, ex girlfriend did it to you), yet you acted as though nothing had happened because it wasn’t even a week we were going out. 

I still don’t understand it, you say you want to be with me forever and you can’t imagine us ever being apart, why do that to someone who you “want to spend forever with?” Surely you’d be the opposite. I know you said that she tried it with you, you said no, and then she tried it again and you gave in… how does that make me feel? You text me saying ‘Good Night and I love you… blah blah’, meanwhile you were cheating on me with someone I HATE! 

What’s even worse is I asked you 'Didn't you even think of me?' And your reply was ‘You don’t usually think about other stuff when you’re having sex, just what’s happening.’ Erm thanks? I’m pretty sure that someone even tried to kiss me, my first thought would be ‘No, I have a boyfriend…’ How was that not yours?

Sometimes (I know it’s bad) I just wonder how my life would have been different if I’d had just broken up with you, cause trust me I was going to, it was the fact my love for you became ahead… 

I didn’t think it would affect me, at first I thought ‘it was the fact he lied, not the fact he cheated’ but now, it’s almost as though it’s just gotten worse as time goes on! I always dream of something like I leave and you get back together, stupid things like that. I don’t think you realise how much you’ve broken me?! Sometimes I just want to cry, because I hope I’ll feel better after and forget it all! 

I think the worst thing is the little things that can trigger it, for example we went to Bourbon that night, so everytime I go there, I think of that night, I remember what she was wearing (heels and a really tight and slutty dress) which is something she doesn’t wear, how did that not make you realise she wanted you and that you were going to stay there? I WISH I’D HAVE SAID NO to you staying there… 

And obviously we didn’t tell people about us until like November, so before that all she was doing was telling you she still loved you and couldn’t you try a long distance relationship? When that was happening, why were you still texting her, it was her who had to say she couldn’t text you anymore… UGH!

WHY DID YOU DO IT? Sometimes I just wish I could something to get you back, let you know how it feels to be treated like that!

I blocked her stuff on Facebook for about 2 months cause I couldn’t bear even seeing her name come up! And sometimes I just want to delete her and block her on here so I can just get rid of her FOREVER!

So yeah, I spent about 2 hours just crying because my brain decided it wanted to finally let everything out, which I hated and now I just want to sleep or watch Titanic, cry and hide the real reason I’m crying ….

I sometimes just want to be left alone, I don’t want you to cuddle me and be on top of me and annoy me cause when you say ‘I love you’, I feel like I have to force it out (even though I do feel it), it’s just my sad/depressed moods which I get randomly makes me lathargic and just want to be alone… Because I do, I love you with all my heart, always have and no doubt, always will, I just want to be alone and watch films and sleep….

I hate it…

I hate that you looked so good together, so perfect together! You both loved and still do love the same things. I hate it, so much… it annoys me and frightens me!

It genuinely scares me…

Like seriously, how can people put so much weight on just from going to University? You’re usually meant to be poor and therefore not buy as much food, but some people have put on so much weight… like what have you done all yeah? Drink, do nothing, EAT YOUR FLATMATES?!

I’m sorry, but if I was getting bigger, I’d notice, I put on 4 pounds and noticed within a week, so how do people not notice themselves getting bigger? And LOL you’re not a Size 12 in Topshop, keep lying to yourself there m’dear! 

The worst type of relationship is one where the one person baby’s the other…

And I’ll just quote Katy Perry here 

'I wanna be your lover, not your f****** mother…' 

When she basically goes ‘I want some …, make me some’, you should realise you’re her bitch and there’s no escaping it! Just he’s so annoying, just his voice makes me want to punch him,the fact every second word he says ‘darling’ (shut up, you sound like a dickhead), the way he speaks, how he constantly just repeats everything you say because he has nothing else to contribute to the conversation, how he thinks he can play guitar (when he can’t at all), how he punches a hole in our wall because you’re having a fight… IT’S NOT HIS HOUSE! 

He’s just omg, I don’t even know how someone can be so annoying (worst thing is, I used to like him, he was a nice guy, now I just want to head butt him or something to shut him up), if my boyfriend was like that, I would punch him! Thankfully he’s not….

I don’t know how someone hasn’t killed him yet in this house?! I mean she can be bitch, but that’s her, she’s high brow, posh, wears designer; meets them all. She’s just a very difficult girlfriend, which I think we all definitely agree in the house. But it’s the fact instead of standing up and saying to her ‘no, you can do stuff yourself too, I’m your boyfriend, not your mother’, he just goes ‘okay darling, blah blah blah’… I mean she is a bitch, they had an argument and because she was mad, she tried cutting his bass guitar strings; WHO DOES THAT?! You don’t do something like that just because of anger, that’s just being plain mean! 

*rant over* 

So,

I decided to get on the scales, just to y’know see what I weigh… and in a month I’ve gone from 56.6 kg to 57… I know it’s only 4 pounds, but it feels like so much more!

I need (well don’t need, want) to go on a diet. I know people might be like ‘omg you don’t need to lose weight………’

Like I used to be a size 12, and then lost some weight and then a size 10, now I’m too small for a size 10 (trousers are just too baggy on me) but a little big for size 8, not big, just a teeny bit tight, so I wanna lose some (not loads, casue I’m happy with the way I look and feel happy) so it’ll fit properly and comfortable. I don’t like my trousers to be baggy (I’m weird like that), so I kinda need to fit into these size 8’s comfortably. I’m not obsessing over it because I’m happy with me, as is my boyfriend, he loves my curves. I just want to fit into size 8’s and be comfortable :)